


Xeno-Stuff

by tejas



Category: Stargate SG-1
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-05-09
Updated: 2010-05-09
Packaged: 2017-10-09 09:13:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/85569
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tejas/pseuds/tejas
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes the missions you can't remember are worse than the ones you can, or Part the Nth of "With Friends Like These: the Further Adventures of Dr. Daniel Jackson".</p>
            </blockquote>





	Xeno-Stuff

"Hey, Jack?" I grabbed at his jacket, but he was moving so much I missed. "Hold still, wouldja?"

"Take it easy, Daniel. Just relax and let us take care of you." Jack looked funny with three eyes. I decided to tell him.

"Daniel, I need you to pay attention."

'K, Jack, I'm payin' attention.

"Are you listening?" Oh, I guess I gotta say it out loud.

"Sure, Jack. I'm listenin'. Whashup? Why d'you have three eyes? Thash pretty funny, Jack."

"Daniel, you got hit with one of those darts as we ducked out of the village."

"Darz?" Jack kept moving so much it was hard to focus on him.

"Yeah, Daniel. Darts. They were drugged and so are you."

"Pah! Iz not drugs. Thash th'xeno-bi-otical-shtuff Ja'et wanted. Din'tcha hear what Ser... Sir... the guy said?"

"Sure, Daniel. The xeno-stuff and it's affecting you." I had to laugh at that one.

"Jack, I'm not the one with three eyes." Oh, boy, I really wish he'd stop doing that. "Hold still, wouldja? You're makin' me dizzy movin' 'round like that." Dizzy and... "Jack? I think I'm gonna..." I don't feel so good.

"Thanks for the warning, buddy." I waved his thanks away. What are friends for?

"Ja'et wants some a'th' xe-xen-stuff." I watched Jack sway like a tree in a wind storm. I tried to follow him but it made my stomach feel funny again, so I tried to grab him again. "Jack, hold still, 'k?" I got my hands on his jacket and that seemed to help. "You need some help, Jack?"

"Yeah, Daniel, I guess I do. Glad you're here to help me out, buddy."

Whoa, how'd that happen? How'd we get all the way over here?

"Where's Sam?" I realized I hadn't seen anyone but Jack and that couldn't be right. I was in camo so I must be off world.

"I'm here, Daniel." She wobbled into view and I threw my arm around her shoulders to keep her steady.

"SAM!" I couldn't help but grin. It was so good to see her. My friend. "S'good t'see ya, Sam! Where ya been?" I leaned back a little and looked at her hair. "Sam, didja know your hair's blinking? Yellow, blue, green... ohhh, plaid, thash pretty cool. How'd you do that, Sam?"

"C'mon, Daniel, let's go home. I think the colonel's knees are bothering him." I laid my head against Sam's.

"Yer so nice, Sam." I felt a rush of emotion for my friends. "You and Jack are both so nice." I sniffed and blinked to clear my eyes. "Why're we walkin' in th'rain?"

"Not to worry, Daniel, just lay down here on this nice stretcher T brought and you can ride back to the gate." I was starting to feel kinda tired. It was tough trying to keep up with Jack and Sam what with the extra eyes and the neon hair. Do I want to know what Teal'c's up to?

"Izz way down there and I'm up here. How'm I gonna get there, Jack? I don' like heights." Suddenly, Jack started getting shorter and I had to squat down to keep him from falling over. "Oh. How'd you do that?" About twenty hands pushed and prodded me onto my back. Then Sam pulled a blanket up to my chin. I watched her hair flicker like a strobe for a few minutes or maybe an hour.

"There you go, buddy, just hang on and we'll get you to the Doc and you'll be feeling better in no time." Jack's such a good friend. But I can't sleep on my back with the sun up. I rolled over.

"This pillow tastes like dirt." I wiped the taste of dirt out of my mouth and plopped back down on my cot. I wiggled a little trying to get comfortable, but it was too narrow. I let my arm flop over the side and my sleeve hooked on something, but I was comfortable, so I didn't worry about it. With a sigh, I let my friends fend for themselves for a while and slipped into sleep.

I woke, slowly crawling out of weird dreams I wasn't sure I ever wanted to remember. What the hell happened? The usual heart monitor serenade greeted me as I squinted at the concrete ceiling and tried to remember what landed me in the infirmary. There was the welcoming ceremony on P3R-383, Jack's obligatory bad jokes that just confused our hosts, and something about a ceremonial....

"Welcome back, Daniel." Janet's voice startled me.

"Was I gone?" Why can't I remember what happened? "What happened?" I took comfort in her manner, but still couldn't remember how I got here.

"As I understand it, the first step in trade negotiations is what happened." Janet paused while she took my pulse and checked the machines I seem to always be hooked to. I wonder if they're the same ones every time. "As for being gone, let's just say, you, or rather your blood, has made several researchers very happy." She grinned at me and I started getting a very bad feeling about what I couldn't remember. I've seen that twinkle in Janet's eyes. I don't trust it any farther than I can throw Teal'c.

"I have. I have? Janet, what aren't you telling me?" I felt pretty confident there's nothing terribly wrong with me. Janet wouldn't be teasing me if I was dying or purple or, wait. She would tease me if I was purple. I took a quick look at my hand. Okay normal color.

"Is there something wrong with your hand, Daniel?" She checked the IV.

"No. No. Nothing wrong." Great, now she's giving me that look. "So, why am I here and where are Jack, Sam and Teal'c?"

"You're here because you were drugged, but it seems to have worn off without any ill effects." Janet wrote in what I assumed was my chart. "As I understand it, there was some sort of herb in a ceremonial drink that interacted with a sedative on a dart of some kind." I started to ask her why she thought this was funny, but decided I really didn't want to know.

Wait. Dart?

Okay. I wanted to know.

"Hey, you're awake!"

Or maybe not.

"Jack." Sam and Teal'c trailed along behind him. I waved. "Yep. Wide awake."

"Colonel. Sam, Teal'c, you'll be happy to know it looks like there will be no long term effects from the drug, but I want Daniel to say here for a few more hours while I run some more tests, just to be certain, but then you can have him back."

"That's great news, Janet." Sam smiled a bit too brightly at me and patted my leg. Uh-huh. The way Jack was grinning didn't ease my mind, either. I smiled back, probably a little manically. These are my friends. I trust them with everything I am.

Oh, god.

What did I do?

I hope no one else noticed how my heart monitor sped up just then.

"Indeed, Daniel Jackson, I am pleased to know you will fully recover. I was concerned." Teal'c was... concerned. Um. Right.

"So, Daniel." I've seen that look on Jack's face before. I prefer it directed at someone else.

"Yes, Jack?" I can do this.

"That was some mission, huh?" Jack rocked back on his heels a bit. Bastard.

"Sure was." That's it, give him the grin. Play along for now.

"You don't remember a thing, do you, Daniel." Crap. Sam, your sweet smile won't get you off my shit list any time soon. See if I ever share my chocolate stash with you again.

"I wouldn't say that, exactly..." I looked at my closest friends in any universe as they grinned down at me. Men and women I would kill for. I would die, no, I have died for these people. I sighed. What's the use? They can read me as well as I can read them. I kept grinning, though, as if it would do any good. "No. No, not a thing." Toast, slightly burned. That's me.

"Not to worry, Daniel." Jack patted my shoulder and couldn't have looked any less sincere if he tried. "Teal'c's got it covered for you." I blinked. Oh, no. A flash of memory set my monitors pinging like there was no tomorrow. He didn't.

"Indeed, Daniel Jackson, I was able to record many of the events from our mission."

He did.

The monitor soundtrack was getting tedious.

"You did give Teal'c your camcorder, Daniel." Sam was starting to look uncomfortable as if she saw her Belgium truffle connection vanishing with each passing moment.

"Do I want to see this?" That's always the question. Do I want to see how big a fool I made of myself at whatever party I can't remember or is the bliss of ignorance better? Curiosity can be a curse.

"Everyone else on base does." Jack has a cruel streak. That's something I learned a long time ago. But then, so do I. You'll get yours Jack, just you wait.

Oh, crap. That means it's already been archived.

I don't think a salsa beat is generally considered a good thing when it comes from medical equipment.

"They crashed the server, Daniel." Sam sounded almost envious. I guess stellar phenomena can't compete with drugged out archeologists.

Janet turned the sound off on the heart monitor.

"It was most impressive, Daniel Jackson." You, too, Teal'c?

Okay, suck it up Daniel.

"All right, you three. Stop harassing my patient." Thank you, Janet. You get truffles.

The others had the good grace to look as contrite as they ever do.

"Daniel, not to worry." Jack patted my shoulder again. He sounded almost apologetic. It must be worse than I thought. "The mission was fine. We got past the little misunderstanding and SG-9 will be following up on the groundwork you laid." We all looked at Sam while she sputtered and pretended to cough. "The xeno-guys are having a field day with what we brought back for them."

I confess. I'm relieved. If the mission was successful, and no one died, I can handle a little embarrassment.

But can I handle SG-9's follow up?

"Just what ground work would that be, Jack?" See, Jack? I'm being earnest and conscientious here.

"Well, y'know, the whole," Jack faked a cough, "thing." I know a faked cough when I hear one. What I don't know is what word he's covering up.

"Sorry, Jack? I didn't quite catch that."

"Serantus was most impressed with your offer to join our worlds, Daniel Jackson." Teal'c spent far too much time working for the Goa'uld. He's not cruel, but he does have an evil sense of humor. Why else would he subject us to Jaffa jokes?

"Impressed is good." Please, guys, tell me impressed is good.

"Few traders have been willing to go to such lengths to gain access to the diomessor. Your offer bestowed great prestige upon the Taur'i." Squinting at Teal'c doesn't help. I can't tell when he's smiling even with my glasses.

I'm going to regret this. I know I will. But I have to hear it before I'm subjected to the rest of the population of the SGC. Surely it can't be worse than what my imagination is currently throwing at my frontal lobe.

And really, I have never been that limber.

"Guys. Tell me!" I watched my friends looking at each other, at the floor, the ceiling, anything but me. I was starting to miss the siren song of the heart monitor. At least it would talk to me.

"You have to remember, Daniel, we'd all had a taste of the ceremonial cup, too." Sam cracked. She always does. I'm the only one she can really bitch to about Jack. "But since you were the spokesman, you kept having to drink more of it."

"And? C'mon, guys! What did I do?" I know most people around here seem to think I was a monk for the duration of my college years. Granted, I was pretty young when I started, but no one spends as many years in school as I did without having experienced the usual idiotic behavior common on college campuses.

Geek parties differ from jock parties mainly in the nature of some of the idiocy. Drunk jocks are more likely to run naked through the central fountain on campus while geeks are more likely to confine their, our, drunken exploits to indoor live chess games.

Okay, so the games were clothing optional and I doubt sixth century Indians would have considered sex an appropriate way to mark taking down a piece.

Not that I'd ever tell the guys.

I wonder if I still have Amy's number.

No.

No way.

I must be looking at least as panicked as I feel because Sam came to my rescue.

"Daniel, it was just a misunderstanding."

"Then somebody shot me with a dart?" Maybe it was just as well SG-9 would be doing the follow up. I'm not sure I like these people very much.

"The girl was a little upset, Daniel. You can't really blame her."

"Upset?" Oh, god. I ransacked my memory, but there's nothing but a big blank place where it should be.

"Serantus' daughter was unwilling to share you, Daniel Jackson." Teal'c was enjoying this far too much.

"Share me?" I hate it when I squeak. It's better than hyperventilating, but not by much.

Why did Janet turn off the sound on the heart monitor? Surely that would get me some sympathy.

"Yeahsureyoubetcha, Daniel. Her brother wasn't too happy with the idea, either. Sharing, that is." Jack has the most evil grin I've ever seen in my life.

Wait.

"Brother?" Well, damn.

"Colonel, please stop tormenting my patient." Thank you, Janet.

"Really, Daniel, it wasn't that bad." Sure it wasn't Jack. "Serantus misunderstood your offer to teach his son and his daughter about Earth. That ceremonial stuff packed quite a punch. There was a bit of a spat, but in the end, he congratulated us on a daring negotiating tactic and said our desire to protect you from his teenagers proved us to be," Jack waved his hand around, as he does, as if that means anything. I really should teach him ASL one of these days.

"He said it showed the Taur'i to be a people of great familial devotion that we would risk access to the diomessor simply to protect one of our own." Teal'c bowed in my general direction.

I still think he's trying not to laugh.

"That's it? Just a misunderstanding?" With added intoxicants, it seems, but this isn't too bad. I can deal with this.

"That's it, Daniel. Sorry for messing with you, we just couldn't resist." This time my grin was genuine. I doubt I would have been able to resist teasing if it had been one of them. Not that it ever is. At least not since Kynthia. Sam and I did rib Jack about her for a while, so I suppose it's only fair.

I still need to wipe the server.

"Okay, people, I need my patient back so I can run my tests." Janet motioned a nurse over and my teammates, my friends, started drifting out of the way while I prepared to do my pin cushion imitation.

"Oh, Daniel." I hate that sing-song voice of Jack's. It never bodes well.

"Yes, Jack?" The pasted on grin is a good response.

"Just one thing. When you get out of here, how about coming by tonight for pizza and a game of chess?" Oh, he didn't just say that.

"Chess, Jack?" No. This isn't happening.

"Sure. I'm really curious about those alternate rules you mentioned you used to use when you were in college."

I'm just going to lay here under my pillow and maybe someone will suffocate me before Janet's finished.

Who am I kidding? I'm not nearly that lucky.

"Daniel? Are you all right?" Janet likes me.

"Yes." I moved the pillow so I could see her. "I'm comforting myself that one has actually ever died of mortification." Janet's got a nice grin.

"At least the colonel seems to want to make it up to you."

I flipped my pillow back over my face and groaned.

Yeah, right, Janet. You have no idea.

Pizza and fucking chess.

I'm doomed.

The End


End file.
